Hey all, I thought it was time for an update for those interested. It has been a while and actually it feels like a new chapter is underway.
I spend much time in December in 'hibernation' mode. Initially just trying to get some rest but it turned into a deeply reflective period. During this time, I unexpectedly crumbled emotionally under the hurt and trauma I experienced this past year. I hadn't realised how much I had been ignoring it. Each time when I got knocked down, I simply got back up and kept on going. Ignoring, the pain as best I could, readjusting my crown, put a smile back on my face and was the positive, smiley self people are used to seeing from me. This is what I do and have done from a young age, it’s a trauma response, a survival mode I was previously unaware of.
It's not a mask. It's a real part of me. That strong, 'put on a brave face' girl, she is real. But she also has her limits and I think I just met them. There were also some fun parts during the year and I just tried to just focus and hold on to them as much as I could. However, when even those started to slip through my fingers it was time to face the pause; the reality of healing.
As I was trying to relax, it all suddenly just engulfed me. Realising the horrendous things that have happened in the past year. Two years. Five years! The cancer. The heartbreaks. The mastectomy. The death of loved ones. The ending of friendships and relationships. The betrayals. The disappointments. The disrespect. It's been relentless. And all while trying to keep up with the pace and stress of general life and keeping it together to be a great mama. If tears were a currency, I’d be the wealthiest woman on the planet!
So, I spent some time facing some of these hurts, healing some of the trauma and making some really tough decisions in the process. And so there was growth too. I mean, diamonds are created under pressure, aren't they?! Absolutely, but something has to give in the process and I think this winter reminded me to pull back and focus 100% on healing. Body and mind. I always remind others about self care because you can't pour from an empty cup... time to heed my own advice.
So where are we now with the cancer?
Well, 2025 was mostly spent trying the mainstream route of medicine, to no avail; with hormonal and targeted treatment; a mastectomy and after an aggressive regrowth on the chest, back, arm, liver and lungs, I opted for chemotherapy. Something I swore I would NEVER do but having gone from stage 3 to 4 after the mastectomy I felt I had to give it a try. They offered me 6 rounds. After the 4th it became painfully obvious that, even that was not going to be the answer. The positives simply do not outweigh the negatives. It was one step forward, three steps back. Chemotherapy is something so viscious; I am not a religious person but I swear it was created by the devil. It depletes the body to such an extent, it is no wonder the majority of people perish from the treatment rather than the cancer itself (not an assumption, the statistics are clear).
I thought I knew what tiredness was after sleep deprivation was the norm for 6 years after becoming a parent. No, this depletion hit on another level. It felt like the life and soul was drained from every cell in my body. Which is ironic, since healing from cancer very much depends on bringing as much life and light back into each cell as possible and depletion is part of the cause in the first place. I wasn't able to stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time for a week after chemo. Despite eating plenty, I lost so much weight and all my hair and such side effects. I was physically a shadow of my former self.
The tumours generally weren’t shrinking, though some of the internal ones did a little but the external ones certainly not. So the oncologist agreed it would be sensible to stop since anything they have left to offer is palliative, not curative. And since, in their opinion my time is limited, it would be better focussed on quality of life.
So, back to the drawing board for me. Step one, detoxing the chemo out of my system! This is going very well and feeling more human each day. This will take a few months.
I am still doing many of the holistic treatments, boosting the immune system that I was doing previously and have started on a treatment based on frequency and plasma. And although it's early days yet, it's looking promising. All this is costing a small fortune but I will find a way. Another crowdfunder probably or perhaps someone is willing to offer me some art commissions to pay for more treatment?
I have far from given up. Despite the daily challenge of much physical pain of the fungating tumours (halleluya! for codine and morphine), there are so many reasons to believe I still have much to do here and you'll have to put up with me for some time yet! For starters, my children, my beautiful boys; they still need me. I remain positive and have started on some projects that will keep me going for the time being. The spirit has dominion over the body and I will not let myself forget this!
And even though the last 6 years have been so hard, I am so grateful to be here. I never had the best relationship with myself or my body but I have gotten much closer to know who I am, I like who I have become! I feel good in my skin, even with cancer, no hair and only one boob! I have come to realise also who my friends are; who really has my back. I have an entire army of beautiful souls rooting for me and I could not be more grateful. I feel more positive, more grateful and more love than ever before and so yes life's tough, but we're all on a journey and this is my path.
To my beautiful boys, Salv, all my friends, my sister, THANK YOU SO MUCH from the bottom of my heart, you have no idea what your support means to me. I love you!